Just be me

So it's almost the Summer time. A time for relaxing, taking it easy, lounging around, curling up anywhere with a good book. Yeah right...not when you have kids! But it's nice to think about. Well, there will be plenty of sitting around at the pool watching the kids swim or watching the kids play at the park of whatever it is they want to do. I might even swim with them if I can get over my reservations about putting on a swim suit in front of people. People that aren't my sisters or children. In fact I want to make this summer be about getting over all my insecurities. Well I'm afraid that it would actually take longer than a summer. We're talking about peeling almost 33 years of insecurity layers away. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Well, yeah I do....I would start with my insecurity regarding my body. I am so hard on myself and the way I look. Maybe it's because , if I am being honest, I am quite a judgemental person. I have become less so by time and by the rising of that number we call our age. But I do, I judge people. So naturally I feel I am judged just the same. And I am my own harshest judge. I wish I could get to a place where I just don't care what people think or even better I wish I could just be okay with what I am and what I look like. I can just imagine how it would feel having that freedom that would come from not caring if someone thought I was fat or if someone noticed I too have cellulite on my thighs or thought I was ugly. So what right? I always wonder how it is that some people have lack of inhibition and would walk around in a bikini with their less than flat tummy or less than ample bosoms. Or how someone can just go the whole day with out a stitch of makeup on. I can't do it. I would honestly be pretty scary looking. I know I don't look like I think I should look and therefore it causes me such inner turmoil that to walk around looking less than presentable is simply not acceptable. How do I get over that?? I see 250 lb pound women walking around in their bathing suit like they don't have a care of what they look like or even what people think. I want that! Not the 250 lb body but the lack of whatever it is they have that allows them them to just be them. To me, there's nothing more attractive than a person who is so comfortable with themselves, flaws and all. I want to just be me and be okay with my flaws and not be ashamed. I want to be 100% comfortable in my skin, even with cellulite and love handles and a flabby belly. Well no, what I really want is to be supermodel beautiful, and supermodel thin, but since GOD did not bless me like that, I want to be satisfied just being me. How do I do that??