I'm not Crazy

Tomorrow I have my EMG/NCV Nerve testing. There is no way I can put in words (it would take about 25 hours) the worry/anxiety that this little test has put me through. Well not so much the test but what has led up to the test. It seems like it's been a long, drawn out process that has required me to play a lot of the waiting game. I'm not good at waiting. It's a form of torture if you ask me. I'd rather shovel dirt piles than have to wait to find out my fate. For me, the unknown is scary and not only that, things I have no control over literally drive me insane. Literally. I like to be in control...in the know of what is going on with myself especially if it concerns my health. I know it probably sounds funny but I assure you there is nothing funny about hour after hour after hour of worrying about something. The what ifs, the agonizing over the what ifs about the what ifs. It's been a torturous cycle. It has brought me to sheer panic plenty of times because the reality of not knowing is just too unbearable. And worst...thinking that the worst possible scenario I can come up with in my mind might actually be true. The Good news is that I have looked at these last few weeks as a growing process. A challenge. A test of my faith. Can I trust GOD? Is he Good? Can I put my life completely in his hands( for better or worse) and no matter what the outcome still believe he is an ALL loving God and one that will never forsake me? These are the hard questions I really had to ask myself? And those are not easy questions.

So now what? Well I have come to terms with the diagnosis I have been given. Benign Fasciculation Syndrome. It's basically a nerve disorder that causes twitching all over my body and can also cause shakiness, muscle fatigue, muscle spasm/cramps, itchiness, headaches and some other annoying things. I have all the symptoms! So the test tomorrow is to rule out any major muscle/nerve disease like multiple Sclerosis, Lou Gherig's disease and some others. The specialist I met with last week seems to think I have none of those horrible diseases and is almost 100% positive it's just the Benign Fasciculation Syndrome. The testing will give us that confirmation or not. So I pray for a normal EMG/NCV test and can live with the twitching and all those other annoying symptoms as long as it means I am not going to become cripple or die from a horrible disease. While there is no known cure for BFS it is an acknowledged disorder and that gives me some peace because I really was starting to think all these symptoms I was having were in my head and now I realize they were not. I'M NOT CRAZY! Isn't that great??

Things I am Thankful For

1. GOD's Love - simply because he is who he is. Through my worry, through my lack of faith, through my pain, or through my praise. His love does not change,it remains the same. It never fails.

2. Answered Prayers.

3. Normal Blood Test Results after a week agonizing over abnormal blood test results.

4. Counseling. Specifically the Counselor.

5. Letting go of pride. It could possibly be the most deadliest sin.

6. Being able to take my girls to the park and play with them outside and just breathing them in, as they are being kids.

7. Watching Bella play and dance and smile when she does not realize I am watching her. This can bring me to tears.

8. Emotions. It's okay to be emotional and show your emotions. But not letting them lead my train but learning how to reposition them behind Scriptures, Truth, and God's Will.

9. My weekly womens book/bible study. Again, more specifically the women in the group. I have been so fortunate to share some time with some really amazing women and have learned so much from this study and from them. I am just enamoured with Alicia Britt Chole who is the lady that is doing the dvd based lesson. I still have not found the right words to describe her or my feelings for her. And If I had the power to carry her around with me all day long I would, but I don't so I'm hoping that her words will sink in and take root.

10. My family. My Husband - for always keeping a positive outlook on things. My Dad - for his ability to calm my fears, worries and anxiety and his Strong Faith in the Lord. My mom - for surprising me all the time with her devotion to her girls through her kind gestures. I know that her and my dad would do anything for me. ANYTHING! My Sister Michelle - for praying for me and for being the person I can talk to. Melissa - for letting me be silly and her ability to always make me laugh. Hannah - for her desire to know GOD and what he wants for her in her life and for her words of wisdom at times even though she is only 8 years old. And Bella - For her hugs and kisses and for the constant joy she brings to my heart. A joy so powerful that it can almost be healing.

I was just feeling extra Thankful today. Praise GOD.

Black or White

You know sometimes situations arise and you are forced to make a decision but it just does not seem like there is a clear right or wrong thing to do. I have a scenario and let's just call it hypothetical. Okay let's not call it that because it is actually a real scenario and I really am torn on what the "right" thing is to do. I'm not even sure there is a right or wrong thing to do.

So we have this lady that we have been using that comes and cleans our house once a month. She does the major things that I just don't have time for, well I should be completely honest she comes and does the things I am too lazy to do. I have the time, I just don't want to do it. But I digress..... I started using her after my mom some how started using her and she was also cleaning my sisters house so I figured she could be trusted. She was not with an agency or anything and while I never out right asked my mom if she was "illegal", I knew there was a chance that she was but you never want to assume that just because someone is mexican and speaks only spanish and demands to be paid in cash.... that they are illegal. So anyway in talking to my sister today she made a comment and I already forgot how it even got brought up but that my mom had told her that this lady in fact is illegal and that her husband had gotten deported back to mexico and she is trying to hire someone " A COYOTE", I've never heard that word before, but she was trying to hire one to get her husband to smuggle him back to the US. WHAT??? Okay so here is where I wrestle with what the right thing is to do. Do I keep employing someone I know is here working and living illegally??? Is that wrong? Can I get in trouble for that? Am I breaking a law?? Or do I just help her out and give her work because she does have a little boy to feed?? She brought him here one time while she cleaned. Doesn't GOD command us to love thy neighbor above all else?? Wouldn't it be cruel to tell her.....Sorry lady you can not come clean my house because you are living and working here illegally. To me that just seems mean. Yet, am I breaking some kind of law by fully knowing I am paying someone that is here illegally for a service to benefit me. I don't know....I just don't know if there is a wrong or right. To me it seems like the right thing is to not employ her anymore but then it makes me feel bad for thinking that is the right thing to do. Maybe it's not. I honestly don't know. Sometimes things are not so black and white.

For Michelle

Create Your Own

Our Trip

RELAXING

Finally here

Our 5 year anniversary trip is finally here. It seems like we have been thinking about this trip for quite a while. I'm excited and nervous but just so you know, NO I don't feel bad. This morning my mom asked me if I felt bad for going on this trip and leaving the girls. To which I replied, NO! I don't feel bad, but I am a little sad. Should I feel bad?? I mean it's not like Gary and I leave the girls all the time. We've never left them except for 1 night last year to celebrate our 4 year anniversary when we stayed down town. So no, I'm not going to feel bad for this one. I think we deserve a few nights to ourselves. I do pray that Bella will be okay because she is pretty attached to me and does not usually fall asleep unless I am beside her. If she is exhausted she will. Anyhow tomorrow we leave and will drop the girls off at his parents, stay the night there and take off early Sunday morning. We'll make the 8 hour drive to Biloxi to make it in time for check in. I know, Biloxi is not the ideal place to go for a romantic get away but it was to us the best place to go with in driving distance from his parents where we could still be on the beach and in a nice little city as well. They have a casino and spa in the hotel so we will have plenty to do. Anywhere Gary and I have ever gone together we have had a great time and just make the most of it. This morning I was remembering our trip we took to New Orleans when I was pregnant with Bella and we had the best time ever. I loved that city and almost considered going back but decided to go some place new. We've been to New Orleans twice already and I think we have had some our our best meals in that city! I love it, it's so romantic. I hope to go back there some day. We've already done FL. and we considered TN but there are no beaches in TN so Mississippi it is. I figure one day we will do a couples spa package and get massages and one day if the weather permits we could just hang out all day on the beach. Maybe catch up on some reading, maybe play a game of scrabble, maybe just nap! Who knows. I know they have a casino in the hotel we are staying so I'm sure we'll do a little gambling, but probably just on the slot machines. We're not big gamblers. I know we will have a good time and just get to enjoy each others company for a few days with out any kids distracting us. Not that we don't love them but if you have kids, you know what I mean. Pray we have safe travels.

Interview with the little ones

So I saw this cute little Q&A that you are supposed to do with your kids. We had a fun time with it last night and I thought it was just a fun thing to sit down and do together. I loved hearing the girls answers.


1. What is something mom always says to you?
H - No!
B - Uh...I don't know?

2. What makes mom happy?
H - When I make good choices.
B - When I say I love you.

3. What makes mom sad?
H - When I'm not making good choices.
B - When I don't say I love you.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
H - When you dance.
B - When you say something funny.

5. What was your mom like as a child?
H - Uh...I don't know......thin?
B - When I be good.

6. How old is your mom?
H - 33
B - I don't know.....28.

7. How tall is your mom?
H - 4 feet something
B - Uh...I don't know........like this tall ( uses her hands to show me how tall)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
H - Go on the computer
B- Play a game with me

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
H - Play with Bella
B - Um, fold clothes every day.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
H - Um, comedy because you're funny.
B - I don't know.

11. What is your mom really good at?
H - Playing Scrabble
B - Playing candyland

12. What is your mom not very good at?
H - Cooking rice
B - Not High Ho Cherry O

13. What does your mom do for a job?
H - Uh, I don't know really.
B - I don't know....folding clothes?

14.What is your mom's favorite food?
H - Uh, I don't know because you never told me
B - Um, carrots.

15.What makes you proud of your mom?
H - She's an Awesome mom
B - I don't know........when you play with me.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
H - Rosalina ( I have no idea )
B - Um, The Island Princess ( Barbie Movie)

17. What do you and your mom do together?
H - Help me with my homework
B - Play

18. How are you and your mom the same?
H - We both have Brown hair
B - We both have brown hair

19. How are you and your mom different?
H - Mom is thin and I am not. : (
B - Because God made us different and I suck my thumb!

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
H - Because she says so.
B - Because I say I love you

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
H - His hair????
B - Uh, I don't know.

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
H - Serranos
B - The grocery stores.

Seasons

Have you ever felt like God was doing things in your life that you are not yet aware of or ready to know about. I feel like right now I am in a season of growing. I take that back, I feel like God is preparing me for growth in all areas of my life. It's like he's tilling the soil and making sure it's ready for the seeds to be planted. You can throw seeds in the wind and hope that when they land, they might take to the ground and produce. That's not very deliberate though. Every area of my life right now is under some sort of counsel or training. I've never been in this position before. It's weird and I'm not even sure I'm making sense but I sure do feel GOD working in me. Like never before.

Longing

He just sits like this and stares out the window. I wonder what he thinks.

Water with a twist

I love the Glaceau Vitamin Waters. They have lots of different flavors to choose from and I like that not only are they mildly flavored, but they also have different "kicks" to them. If you feel like you are needing some vitamin C you can drink the one with vitamin C. They are all taylored with a specific need in mind. Love them! I try to buy them when they are on sale at target for 1 dollar each which is kind of pricey but I have seen them as high as a dollar fifty. Part of the appeal may also be imagined (imagine that) but I swear I feel better after I drink one. My favorite is the xxx triple antioxidants and the one with potassium is really good too. I've had several and I have liked them all. If you're bored with plain old water you should check them out.