1 Year ago

1 Year ago I wrote this blog on Myspace. . Bella was not quite 2 and it was Summer after 1st grade for Hannah. I was home with the girls all day by myself( nothings changed there) in a tiny little 2 bedroom apt. This was also around the time I was having so many problems with Hannah that I was just fed up with being her mother. I thought for sure God had given me more than I could handle with her and most days was reduced to shouting out to him to please, please help me while I just sobbed. Well God surely never gives us more than we can handle and I'm happy to say things with Hannah have improved 10 fold. This past year has been one of the best years ever with her. I have no doubt it is the answer to many days pleading with God to make me into the type of mother Hannah needed to thrive and to be a healthy, happy child. Here's the blog.....

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Paid in kisses

I don't like days like these. Sometimes I get in these moods or have these days where I am feeling blah and feeling really down for no real reason. I feel like I am just a mom and always having to take care of things and yet there is no time to take care of me! Who takes care of me??? You know sometimes I want to be picked up after and sometimes I want to be cooked a meal.....and sometimes I want someone to wash and dry and put my laundry away. Since I stay home with my children it is somehow my job to take care of running the entire household 24/7. You know someday's I am perfectly fine with that.....other days I am completely frustrated by it and find myself daydreaming of having a "REAL" job outside the home just so I can get away and share household duties 50/50 with my husband. When I had a job before Bella was born.....Gary helped out a lot more than he does now and it just seems that since I have become a stay at home mother....I also get to be the cook, the maid, the bill payer, the grocery shopper, the taxi cab driver, the entertainer, etc, etc, etc. I mean it never ends......And not only do I have to do all these things....I have to do all these things and not get paid for doing them. How in the world does that make any sense??? It really is tiring to be a stay at home mother to 2 kids especially when my husband is working 6 am to 6 pm every day! Especially when you have to figure out ways to keep them entertained ALL day. .I mean I can't just stick them in front of the television all day....do you know how much guilt that would induce? So we color( again) ......Oh this is just exactly what I want to be doing.....or we play a game...and this becomes an ordeal because Bella just wants to mess it all up and Hannah gets frustrated so I get frustrated and so we just have to put the games away....so then we try running an errand just to get out of the house. This is even harder than just staying home....Hannah complains the whole time, Bella won't stay in the stroller because she wants to walk....so instead of focusing on getting the things I need I am chasing Bella around and leave the store forgetting half the things I needed to begin with. Oh and yes it would have helped if I had made a list........this I know...I did....only I forgot the list because just getting the girls out the door with their hair combed and shoes on is a feat itself! I always forget the list!
Is this my life?? Just running around all the time like a chicken with it's head cut off? Not doing what needs to get done ( and not wanting to) and then feeling like a looser because I could not even get the towels in the dryer folded. I mean what a goal to have for the day........MUST FOLD TOWELS!
I sometimes get so envious of single women who have these fabulous careers and go to these extravagant events and have these elegant clothes and have time for manicures and pedicures and don't have any children and just focus on themselves or if they are married they get to have these adventurous get aways and jet here and rendezvous there. I mean wouldn't that be the life????
After all this feeling sorry for myself and slowly pulling my head out of the clouds.....I have a tender moment with my baby. The littlest love of my life, Bella. She plops down in my lap.... and looks up at me with her wide, sappy eyes and flashes that irresistible grin. I know she's tired......I'm tired too. Then she sandwiches my cheeks with her hands and squeezes them tight.....it makes me giggle. Then she gives me one of her kisses. It's the sweetest kiss in the whole wide world. Then I realize.....this is how I get paid. I get paid in Kisses....and it's the most satisfying payment I have ever received.
So now I can go about my day....and it makes it all worth it again. I would not trade my life for anything!