Doing right vs doing wrong

I mostly always try to do what is right but sometimesI'm not sure what the right thing is to do. I'm really in a sad situation with Hannah's biological father. A situation that I completely blame myself for and one that I will always know is my fault. Her dad is unlike any other person I have ever known and I wince at the fact I was ever dumb enough to get involved with someone like him. When I met him I was on a very deliberate vacation from my life of trying to do right. So I did lots of, very wrong. Now I have to pay the consequences. For her though her father is the best thing in the world and can do no wrong. Little does she know. I received a letter in the mail stating that a letter has been sent to his current employer to start with holding money from his paychecks. His paychecks where he earns $2.15 per hour. Yeah!!! That means I will start receiving maybe 20 dollars a week. But I'm not getting excited yet because I know this will not last very long because the boy is pretty gifted when it comes to getting fired. He's become really good at it and it's NEVER his fault. It's always the bosses fault or the customers fault or possibly even mine. So I struggle with wondering if I am wrong to think he should be helping me take care of Hannah financially when he can barely hold a job. When he can barely pay his bills. When he can barely go to work. Boy has to sleep in ya know....it's hard being young and single and smoking cigarettes all day. I have tried to be gracious and give him the benefit of the doubt, hoping that he would grow up or mature or develop an ounce of ambition but he has proven time and time again that he has no intention of ever really being a normal,responsible adult and contributing financially to his daughter. Some have and will say......well she is already well taken care of. Why do you want him to pay his child support? Yes, she is taken care of and for that I am extremely grateful that she has a dad in Gary that provides for her like she is HIS daughter. Especially since I stopped working once Bella came along. Maybe I am saying too much in this blog and I know this is not any ones business but I really am at a point where I don't know what to do with him. The boy owes 21,000 dollars in unpaid child support! I have never turned him in or reported him for not paying. He could be in jail right now for owing that much. Plus they already know he's not paying. They are the ones that send me these dumb letters letting me know just how much he has not paid. I don't know if I should just let it go.....just allow him to not take care of his legal responsibility. I have upheld my end of the bargain. I let her go with him every other weekend regardless of the fact that he lives in a trash filled, unsanitary apartment and regardless of the fact that I never know if he will even have electricity or food or reliable transportation. Transportation!! He drives a dumpster on wheels. It's like a mobile trash can. It's disgusting. It's heartbreaking. But this is where the need to do what is right on my part kicks in and on my part the right thing is upholding the divorce settlement because by not doing so can actually get ME thrown in jail so I choose to obey it. I have to let her go. Him on the other hand.....well he just ignores it. I have no doubt he would turn me in if I ever kept Hannah from seeing him. 21,000 dollars is a lot of money. That could be sitting in a nice account for a college fund for her. He thinks I should just forgive the entire amount because it's all my fault he is in the position he is in because I am the one that left him and I am the one that ruined his life. Yes, he blames it all on me. Fine, whatever. Say what you must to cope. So should I just let it go? Should I just forgive the amount he owes and all future money? Would that be the right thing to do? Would that be the bigger thing to do? I don't know. I know this is cheesy but I find my self asking what would Jesus do. But yet I know Jesus never would have been dumb enough to be in such a situation.

Movie Day

So Gary had the day off today and we decided to take the girls to a movie. Start time 12:45. Cost to get in.... 26 dollars. Popcorn and a large water - 10 bucks. Oh yeah and I did something today that used to drive me crazy when I was a kid. My parents would always want to buy our own candy to take to the theatre....it was so embarrassing to me. They would even take in their own soft drinks!! I drew the line there and yes I was the grown up that snuck in our own candy to the theatre. I'm such a rebel........or wait, am I cheapskate? Anyhow total cost for us to see Horton Hears a Who was 40 dollars. 40 dollars!!!!! And this was the early show and this was with all of us sharing one large bottle of water! That was crazy to me. I'm not complaining because prices these days are what they are but it just shocked me. But every one's happy and we're having a nice family day and we end up having the entire theatre to ourselves. That's nice because we don't have to worry about being quiet and all. So we're all sitting there munching on our 10 dollar popcorn and waiting for the movie to start. The theatre is playing their standard advertisement commercials and Bella looks at us and she's having fun, she's eating her candy and she says " This is a really good movie". Hahaha..the movie had not even started. She is so funny....I can't count the number of times she makes me laugh in a day. She is pure and total Joy. The movie was okay I guess. It had some good messages. Bella and Gary fell asleep. Surprise, Surprise. For me, I just can't watch these new kid movies anymore and just see it like a child might. There always seems to be these underlying, very adult messages and I no longer see it as a kids movie. This movies many messages surely flew right over my 8 year olds head. So what's the point of making it a kid movie? Hannah said she liked it but I'm wondering what exactly she got from it. Probably nothing and maybe that's the point because for me it was a pretty deep cartoon movie. Maybe kids don't like movies because they "get"it. Maybe they are supposed to just laugh at the silly parts and enjoy the animation....I don't know. It's been a long time since I've been a kid and my far from innocent eyes can't see well anymore. Or maybe they see too well. Maybe I think too much! BUT we did have a fun day and it brings me great pleasure to get to do fun things for and with my kiddos. For me you can't put a price on that.

Ends to new beginnings

Tomorrow is officially the last day of school for Hannah. I tell you, it's like I blink and 6 months go by. So tomorrow will mark the end of this chapter for us in her academic career. Girlfriend pulled off Honor Roll with straight A's, okay and 1 b+, the entire year!! I'm such a proud mommy! So it ends.....the end of a new school year, the end of the school being new for her, the end of a challenging 36 weeks,the end of homework and papers to fill out, the end of washing dirty uniforms, the end of waking up and getting kids dressed and fed and lunch made and one off to school, the end of a strict bed time schedule. The end! Chapter over. Book down. I pray we have a nice and relaxing summer because before I know it, it will be time to begin it all again. Thank you Jesus that Hannah had this year to grow and learn and mature. I am so grateful to you Lord.

Resting my eyes

So my husband has developed this very bad habit lately that is prompting me to seek a new church attending partner. You know some one I can sit with in service and not have to worry about being embarassed by. Unlike him, I actually like listening to my pastors sermons with my eyes open! Or another way I could say it is I actually like listening to my pastors sermons AWAKE! That's right my husband, Mr. Gary Paul Clifton, is the person sitting in service and falling asleep. Embarassing huh? And we sit in the 1st or 2nd row with in like 5 feet of our Pastor. Who knows how long he has been doing this but I just recently discovered it about 2 weeks ago. I glanced over at him and he is sitting perfectly straight up and looking toward the pastor and all and totally appears as though he is listening. At first I thought that maybe he was just blinking for a really long time but then realized that he was actually dozing off. So I nudged him really hard with my elbow and his eyes pop open immediately and he gives me this glare like how dare I distrub him while he's sleeping. I whisper, " You're sleeping in church!!!!!!" He says, "No, I'm not!" I say, " You're eyes are closed." He says," no they are not!" Okay so apparently embarassing me isn't enought so he's going to call me a liar too. I can't believe it. Why in the world would I make this up. He says maybe he's just resting his eyes. I say, "that's embarassing". So am I over reacting? Did I miss something? He acts like I should be okay with him "resting his eyes" in church. How can I keep my husband awake for the duration of the service with out having to nudge him every few seconds to make sure he is awake? because I think it is completely rude to take your nap at church. I just pray our Pastor has not noticed. Maybe we will sit way in the back tomorrow.

Just be me

So it's almost the Summer time. A time for relaxing, taking it easy, lounging around, curling up anywhere with a good book. Yeah right...not when you have kids! But it's nice to think about. Well, there will be plenty of sitting around at the pool watching the kids swim or watching the kids play at the park of whatever it is they want to do. I might even swim with them if I can get over my reservations about putting on a swim suit in front of people. People that aren't my sisters or children. In fact I want to make this summer be about getting over all my insecurities. Well I'm afraid that it would actually take longer than a summer. We're talking about peeling almost 33 years of insecurity layers away. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Well, yeah I do....I would start with my insecurity regarding my body. I am so hard on myself and the way I look. Maybe it's because , if I am being honest, I am quite a judgemental person. I have become less so by time and by the rising of that number we call our age. But I do, I judge people. So naturally I feel I am judged just the same. And I am my own harshest judge. I wish I could get to a place where I just don't care what people think or even better I wish I could just be okay with what I am and what I look like. I can just imagine how it would feel having that freedom that would come from not caring if someone thought I was fat or if someone noticed I too have cellulite on my thighs or thought I was ugly. So what right? I always wonder how it is that some people have lack of inhibition and would walk around in a bikini with their less than flat tummy or less than ample bosoms. Or how someone can just go the whole day with out a stitch of makeup on. I can't do it. I would honestly be pretty scary looking. I know I don't look like I think I should look and therefore it causes me such inner turmoil that to walk around looking less than presentable is simply not acceptable. How do I get over that?? I see 250 lb pound women walking around in their bathing suit like they don't have a care of what they look like or even what people think. I want that! Not the 250 lb body but the lack of whatever it is they have that allows them them to just be them. To me, there's nothing more attractive than a person who is so comfortable with themselves, flaws and all. I want to just be me and be okay with my flaws and not be ashamed. I want to be 100% comfortable in my skin, even with cellulite and love handles and a flabby belly. Well no, what I really want is to be supermodel beautiful, and supermodel thin, but since GOD did not bless me like that, I want to be satisfied just being me. How do I do that??

Okay ,okay

Just to appease my husband I have to post about the snake. Yes, babe the snake did crawl way up high in the tree and it was dark and all and the only light you had was a flash light and you hit it and killed it. You The Man! Oh and thanks for letting me know you did not appreciate being called tweedle dee, but the fact of the matter is that I did not call you tweedle dee, you were actually tweedle dum! But all that is besides the point really.

Now. Last night as we were about to sit down to dinner, Gary glanced out the window to see ANOTHER snake in the tree. It's amazing when instinct kicks in and men go into that "must kill" mode. Gary got this snake with in minutes this time. He was not messing around. I was so proud of him. I got myself a little snake killer.

Nose to the corner!

Sweet lil Bella rarely gets in trouble but today she needed a time out for getting all upset and yelling at her sister. I calmly carried her over to the corner and told her to stand there for 2 minutes. I let her know yelling is unacceptable. When I look back at her she is still standing there perfectly still as I left her. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or both. She was so cute and yes innocent standing there and it just breaks my heart to see her "get in trouble". Disciplining Hannah NEVER came this easy. She would cry and throw fits and not sit still and give me the hardest time ever. Hannah was extremely ( and still is ) strong willed and extremely difficult to discipline. Bella is so easy going and calm and she listens well and does as she is told. Disciplining her is easy because she does not put up a fight. Hannah puts up the biggest fight of her life. Hannah never would have stood still in the corner for 1 second like that! So I have seen both sides of the spectrum with my 2 girls and I am not meaning to compare them but they are very, very different! I am convinced being a Mother is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it's also been one of the most rewarding.

The Snake Hunters

Sooo I'm sitting on the computer at 9:30 tonight. Well I'm not sitting ON the computer....you know what I mean. I've read every one's blogs. I'm crazy obsessed with blogs by the way. I even read people's blogs that I don't even know hardly. I need help..... Anyway the reason I am sitting on the computer, Oh and I have looked at every ones myspace pages too. That's another strange addiction. What's wrong with me? Sorry. Anyway I would be in bed but my husband, whom I saw in a whole new light tonight, is still outside WITH A GUN. trying to kill a snake. Yep that's right. Oh and my dad is trying to help him. It's like tweedle dee and tweedle dum out there. Ohhh...that's mean! I'm kidding. They are VERY so much knowing what they are doing. They are so strong and manly. Really! Sooooo how many men does it take to kill a snake you ask? Apparently more than 2. How long does it take to kill a snake? So far more than 2 hours! How many shots( from a pellet gun) does it take to kill a snake?? I lost count after about 15 or 20. I think creatures are smarter than men. I watched them for a while and the snake was so sly and sneaky and calm. He just kept creeping up that tree, slithering like he just could not be bothered.
Okay, he just came in. I HAVE to hear how this ended.

I can't decide

So I'm in the market for a new pair of shoes and I have it narrowed down to these 5. I can't decide which I like best. I'm leaning heavily toward the red or black glittery boots. What do you think?

Baptizo

Baptizo is a Greek word that is transliterated into baptize and means "immerse." It comes from the Greek word bapto, which means to dip. Baptisma is a Greek word that is transliterated into our word baptism; it means "immersion." Baptizien is another Greek word that is used in the New Testament texts, and it is transliterated into baptizing, which means "immersing." Thus baptism is a plunging or dunking of the subject beneath the waters.

And boy was I dunked, plunged,and immersed under water yesterday......I was BAPTIZED!!!! I'm a little embarrassed that I waited so long to do this since I have considered my self a follower of Christ for some time now. I guess at first I thought since I was baptized as a baby that there was no need to do it again. Then my pastor delivered a sermon that was about baptizing and that to be considered baptized by biblical standards that meant a submersion in water. Well my little baby head was just sprinkled with water and so I really felt a calling to be baptized again as an adult. Through a choice of my own. I am not saying that the baptism as a baby did not count, I am just saying I felt the need in my heart to have it done as the bible says. Well.......here enters fear, embarrassment, vanity. The voice of the enemy if you ask me. Oh my goodness this means I will actually have to be put under the water and that means it will mess up my hair and that means my make up will run all over my face and that will mean people will be watching. Eh.....never mind! The sprinkling of water over my little head will just have to do.

So I put it off. La di da de da......... Fast forward to another sermon my pastor preached on baptism. I am not sure how much time passed in between but it was quite some time. This time he talked about how Jesus was baptized and that he was the only person to ever live that never sinned, yet he was baptized. And he commanded people as followers of him to do the same. He talked about how as Christ followers being baptized is a sign to all that we have dedicated our life to following him. It was an outward sign to all that we are Christians. Just as a wedding ring is a sign to all that you are married. He also talked about those that choose not to do it for vain reasons or for those that say, Oh it's not important. He said.....what will you say before GOD when he asks why you were not baptized? Oh, I didn't want to get my hair wet or Oh because I was embarrassed. Okay, okay , okay. I get it now. I then knew I would face my fear of being embarrassed because GOD calls us to do this. So I did! I was quite nervous and A LOT embarrassed but I did it. With people watching and everything but I am so glad that I did.