I've recently been illuminated to an area of Hannah's life (with her father and his family )that I did not know about before. Well I knew of it ( knowing his family history) but I did not know that it was affecting my daughter. To explain I have to first explain what brought about this whole issue. About 2 months ago I had a disturbing instance with Hannah. We had some of my family over and we were just hanging out and had grilled fajitas and lots of yummy food. We are all gathered at the table just talking and hanging out. The kids were playing upstairs. All is well. We're all laughing and having a good time. I don't remember what prompted us to open a bottle of red wine. We are all not big drinkers and we all do well just to finish what we pour. There's no sloppy drunkenness taking place. In fact we are all laughing and having a great time before the wine ever flows. AND this is probably the first time in years that we sit down and enjoy ourselves with wine in this way. Anyway..... Hannah comes downstairs and she notices that I have a wine glass in front of me. She sees that we are all laughing and talking and just having a good time. She goes back upstairs. I think nothing of it. Then a few seconds later my niece is calling my mom upstairs but my mom tells her that she is talking with everyone down stairs and she will be up there in a minute. A few seconds later my niece is calling her again so she goes up there. I still think nothing of it. Then my mom is calling me upstairs and finally I am like...OKAY what in the world is going on. I walk upstairs and my mother meets me at the top and tells me that Hannah is crying in her room inconsolably. I ask her why and she says, " She saw you drinking wine and she's very upset." I'm like....Huh??? I was a bit confused. So I go talk to her and she says she is sad because she saw me drinking wine and I was laughing and having a good time and she thinks I am drunk!!!!! I want to laugh....,of course I don't, but I assure her I am no where near drunk and that I simply had tasted some red wine but not enough to where I would be drunk. In my mind I'm wondering how does she even know what drunk is??? I start telling her that there is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine every now and then and I 'm thinking to myself how weird this is to be trying to justify myself to my child. Then it seems more weird that I am trying to justify drinking at all. Is this really what I want to be telling my daughter. Oh, it's okay to have a glass of wine every now and then honey....blah , blah , blah. Red wine can even be good for you......blah, blah. Surely when she's 16, 17, she will remember this conversation and say well if my mommy does it then so can I. It just felt really sickening to me to be having this conversation. I felt horrible and assured her again I was not drunk and that she came down stairs when we had just had a few sips and that I was not even going to finish it, again this is so weird to be defending myself to my 8 year old daughter. I ask her why it upset her so much and she said that she never saw me drink before and she just does not like it. She said her grandma Estela drinks when she is in town and she always gets drunk and will be laughing and acting weird. Then she said she saw me being weird!!! I felt like such a looser because she's upset because she thinks I am drunk, even though I am not. But still! So I was telling every one down stairs why she was upset and they were saying I should explain that I am over 21 and that one glass of wine is not bad and it does not make me a bad person. I know....I said all that but still. It felt wrong on so many levels to be telling my 8 year old daughter it was okay for mommy to be drinking wine. Gary and I talked it over and he said she was just being a Drama Queen and it probably was no big deal. It still left me with a bad feeling even though I thought we had talked it out and she seemed okay.
Then I kind of forgot about it. Well a few weeks ago Gary ran to the store to pick up a couple of things and he took the girls with him. He also grabbed this little cube box of White Sangria thinking nothing of it really. I used to enjoy Red Sangria. Well after my shower that night Hannah asked me if she could talk to me and she pulls me in her bathroom. I'm kind of scared at first because I can tell she's bothered by something. We sit down and she looks at me with this face of concern and she asks me if I Like White Wine. I literally felt like a child being confronted by their parent after they had done something wrong or actually being busted my their parent before doing something wrong. I immediately knew what she was referring to and so here we go again. This time though she tells me something that she had never told me before. Like seeing her grandmother so drunk that she was falling down and could not even walk right. That she was so drunk she could barely unlock the door to get out of the hotel room so she starts yelling for someone to let her out. Then she gets mad at something and takes off and is outside of the Hotel she is staying at which is not in the safest of neighborhoods and no one knows where she is. Then when she returns she is so sick and throwing up everywhere that she passes out. Nice. Hannah said she was really scared to see that and that her grandmother looked really crazy in her eyes. It just broke my heart to know my child had to witness that. Then she asks me if I plan to drink the wine that Gary had picked up. Talk about being in an uncomfortable position......again I felt like the kid and she was the grown up. Weird! She told me plenty other things that are great cause for alarm and then I finally get why she would freak out from seeing me have a glass of wine. I guess she thinks I will end up acting like her grandmother. I guess she thinks that if you drink, you will act like what she saw. I assure her again that I would never ever get drunk or act that way and that I was really sorry she had to see all that. I just felt so bad for her.
I realized its been a long time since she has seen that on some occasions I might enjoy a glass of wine. I guess I stopped drinking wine a few months before we considered adding a 2nd child to our family and then all through my pregnancy I did not. Then for at least 2 years after Bella was born I did not so it just dawned on my that as far back as she can remember, being the last 4 years, drinking has not been a part of our life. If Gary and I indulged in a glass any time recently it has been after the girls were asleep or on our anniversary dinner date. But...... in the last few months on 2 occasions she has noticed that I do in fact drink wine. So again I can understand where she had this notion that it was something we did not do and it was probably something she was really relieved about. Then to realize that I, her mother, the woman who is in charge of taking care of her and providing for her, could possibly be the type of woman she saw in her grandmother. I again felt like such a looser. Like I had let her down, like I had tripped of the pedestal she puts me on. In all honesty I even struggle with wondering if drinking is bad. I sometimes feel like If I was a good Christian mother I would not drink at all. I know it's silly and I don't think the bible strictly forbids it but still in some way it holds this negative reputation. I don't ever want to feel like I disappointed my child. And I surely don't want to give her anxiety over something like this or shape her opinion of alcohol to where she see's it as no big deal. I now see why it's probably just best to avoid it all together. And the funny thing is...... we normally do. In the past 4 years we have maybe had wine only a handful of times. It's not something that is part of our daily routine. And I don't for see it ever being.
Now I'm just wondering.... is drinking bad? I mean I know I can't say it's good. If it was good surely it would be served at say........... Church functions. Yet it is not. Typically you don't think of Pastors sitting around drinking. Why not?? So maybe it is bad. Is it bad for kids to see? Should it be something that should be done out of their sight only? As parents should we not drink at all? As Christians should we not drink at all? Was I right to explain to her there is a responsible way to have a drink and an appropriate age as well? It just felt really wrong to tell her that. Yet, if I should choose to want to have a glass of wine, I don't want to feel like I have to hide it from her.....or feel guilty or feel like I will disappoint her. She told me she does not want me to drink wine. Ever! I told her, that was something I could not promise her. I know she was upset about it. But there is no way I was ready to say those words right then and there, only to have an instance pop up that is going to make me feel guilty for breaking a promise to her. On the other hand part of me wondered if maybe I was a good mother, I would have just made that promise to her and that be the end of the story. But then I don't even know if that's the solution either. Or is it?
5 comments:
I think it all comes down to your own personal choice and reasons. I don't think drinking is BAD, I think too many people abuse it though. The mother in me says to avoid it at all cost. What joy and peace it would bring Hannah and perhaps later in her life, she'll avoid it too. But she also needs to understand that people can drink responsibly that way she is not judging or condeming people who do drink. Alcohol does seem to bring about a lot of problems though.
Poor girl, how terrible for her to see that. Have you mentioned this to Jeff?
Monica, I applaud you for even taken the matter into consideration with Hannah and her concerns. Even though she is a child, as you know she does not have the rational capability yet to discern the difference from your character and her “grandmother” in my opinion. To her innocent eyes the derivative is all the same, cause and effect. I am not near wise enough to come up with a way to explain it to her. You and Gary can work on that one; I know between the two of you, you could carry a debate with Aristotle.
Now as far as the drinking alcohol and Christianity, as you know this is a special area for me, the roots run deep. I was a “heavy” drinker, as you know. It was my lifestyle, not a handful of times a year, but several handfuls a week at least. I wrestled with this for many years. People in my church, did not condone it, however neither did they condemn me for it. I for some time debated the fact with many people, including my pastor. No one ever told me point blank “your going to hell for drinking” however they did warn me that it would separate me from my devotion to God. You see as I came to understand, anything that moves your dependence from God to another substance, or being is an issue, and is to be treated with the upmost attention. For myself, when I drank, I did so to “relax” to put the day’s issues behind me. I came to soon comprehend it was not just the days issues but life’s in a whole. It became my crutch. Rather than having a dependence on my Father in heaven, I depended upon a substance. This dependence my sister is wrong. Many will say, “I am not dependant, it is just one drink to help me relax, I don’t even finish it at times” and that is spectacular, however if one can not relax without the drink, then it is a dependence. The Lord delivered me of this, I am forever thankful, in one swooping evening I was set free of an addiction that surely would have crested and ruined generations to come. He truly is the Deliverer; I will forever praise Him for this.
As far as your solution goes, I will leave it as simple as possible. This is the way I phrase it to my son. Gods gift to me, to give me a reason for change. There is nothing wrong with having a drink; however there is nothing a drink can give you that was not originally intended to come from the Holy Spirit of God. Anything a drink can give you is nothing more than a substitution for the authenticity of God’s Spirit within you. Flesh is weak, and searches for dependence in substitution wherever it may find it. We are to beat our flesh into submission as Paul states. By this way alone will our spirit grow strong enough to not need the petty need of a simple buzz. In turn we will seek the touch of His Spirit in every possible area in our life, for every possible event, and in this we will have true communion with Him, as He intended.
I hope by not answering your question, I at least shed some light on it for you, I know through your and Gary’s prayers, yall will do the right and just thing. For it was of the prayers of my wife and many others that God bestowed this clarity of thought upon me. Our Lord is not a respector of persons, He will hear your prayers as he did those of my precious wife. You will know what to do.
Oh Monica - I'm so sorry to hear about this. What an awful thing for Hannah to go through with her grandmother.
The only feedback I have is that I think it's good for a child to grow up in a house where they can see alchohol being used responsibly. Hannah is obviously missing that with the other side of the family, and I can guarantee you that when she grows up to high school and college, she will not get a positive influence there, either.
I was lucky that my parents were pretty laid back about drinking in a family setting: When I was a teenager, they would let me have a very small glass of wine at family get togethers... Always with the understanding that IF I was going to drink, it would be under their control and in their house.
My family drinks on a regular basis, but no one drinks too much, and as I grew up I picked up on how to drink responsibly. I've never been drunk and don't plan to be. However (as you know), I do drink occasionally, and I'm at total peace with that. I agree with Josh, that when it becomes a crutch (as it has for me in the past), then that's a problem to be dealt with. But as long as it's done in moderation and in a healthy manner, I don't see any problems with it whatsoever.
That said, I think you're still going to want to be careful with Hannah, because she's been hurt in the past by someone else that she loves and trusts, and this is now a sensitive issue for her. I don't know what the right answer is, but I don't think promising her that you'll never drink is healthy for either of you. It means you've made a committment to her that you probably will not keep, and though she doesn't realize it, it will rob her of the experience seeing that you CAN drink responsibly and that drinking does not always lead to getting drunk and acting like a fool.
I'll definitely keep you guys in my prayers. Know that you have a strong community of people who care about you and are supporting you in whatever you decide to do :)
Joshua - "carry a debate with aristotle"
hahaha. where do you get this over inflated sense of us. you're funny.
Thanks guys for yalls words of wisdom. I'm going to keep praying about this and I'm confident we will find the solution. I just hope and pray Hannah can have the same peace in her mind about it.
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